Nov. 13, 2015
I originally wrote this post years ago. It’s been a draft. After watching news unfold from Paris today, I feel the same. Only this is not random. It’s born from hate. Blinding, illogical hate that runs so deep there’s no way most of us could ever even contemplate it.
It’s all senseless killing. I don’t believe there will ever be peace all over our world. But for the sake of my son, I hope for it desperately. Because just like the kids who suffered and died at the gun of a mentally ill boy, barely a man, at a movie theater in Colorado, kids and people just like us perished at a rock concert, at a cafe, a store in Paris. And they are just like us. And they could be us.
I don’t want to be one of those parents who is scared to let my kid do anything. But goddamit, why the senseless, random killing? What had to have happened to this person or what kind of help or attention did he not get or what is wrong in his brain that made him brutally murder people at a movie premiere in Colorado. How? Why? WHY? I’ve stopped reading the articles because I don’t want to keep crying. Let’s all grieve and be sad. Honor the friends, family members and strangers who died because they were at the fucking movies. But what then?! What will change? The NRA will never stop fighting calls for gun control. Why can’t the rational ones realize that non rational, crazy mother fuckers GET GUNS. And why can’t we try to make that stop? Please.
I can’t be at your doctor’s appointment. I have to go into the office. I didn’t see how you got that booboo on your knee. I was on a conference call. Did tata see you chase the kids like a dinosaur at the park today? I really wish I hadn’t missed that. You don’t want me to go to work today? No, baby. I don’t want me to go to work today either. But I have to. Sigh.
The young girl was sitting on the sidewalk with her feet in the dirt, hands resting on her thighs. She was holding her iPhone, of course, as they do these days.
A middle aged woman with a kind face walked by her. She paused. Noticed something. I lowered my car window.
“Are you ok?” The woman slowed and took a step backwards towards the teenager. “Yes, I’m ok,” she lied as her face crumbled and told a different story. Maybe she wanted to be left alone. I know how she feels.
I had had a bad day, too. But no one around me all day noticed. No one asked. I wanted to pull the car over, run across the street, hug the girl close and encourage her to have a good cry. Let it out, I’d say. Just let it out.
I drove on. Headed home. I slowed and looked at her from my window but I didn’t stop.
Remember what caused such frustration. Remember what shook us up. What we promised would propel us from this complacency, this stagnation. Look at the glass pumpkin we made not as a reminder of what might have been but as a beacon for what can be.
Difficult times and choices only make us stronger if we force them to. It doesn’t happen naturally. We have to work out of it. But if we don’t, we risk sinking deeper into the place where we never make change. This is how I feel today.
My bug told me that yesterday. He was earnest and being empathatic as I was expressing to him that I am sad he’s sick.
This cold started Tuesday and by Wednesday morning, New Year’s Eve Day, the fever started climbing. 103.6 before I put him into bed for the night. We’re now on day 4 of this terrible cold, Today, he was diagnosed with an ear infection. At least now his persistant high fever has a cause and will have an end. Ugh, I hate when my boy is sick.
The Hubster and I are demonstratively affectionate with our 3 year old. We have been since he was born. But the kid just doesn’t want to kiss or hug…unless it’s on his terms. He rarely snuggles or cuddles. We have huggle time before nap and nighttime bedtime, but it usually involves me laying on the bed and him jumping around or wiggling and so on. Occasionally he wants to lay on me; I have taught him to spoon, but those times are the exceptions. He’s no cuddlebug. Although he is cuddlicious.
We’ve become a bit crazy about it and if he ever deigns to bestow affection upon us without us pushing for it, we are somewhat shocked and quite thrilled. Of course, it’s probably easiest for me, the mama, to give smooshes without getting the hand, but I do often get shoved away.
It was fascinating, then, for us to see him interact with other family members on a recent trip we took to visit my parents. This kid is stingy and selective with his hugs and kisses and he WILL NOT give them under duress.
It’s not behavioral (as in some type of problem or fear). It’s mostly that he’s too busy playing and doing and experiencing. And, of course, when he’s sad, I can scoop him right up and mush. Until he’s ok and on to the next thing.
So it makes me wonder. Is being affectionate learned behavior or something that’s innate?